The unbreakable shackles of apathy.

 "When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done, help me leave behind some reasons to be missed".

-Linkin Park


I always thought I knew what I wanted to do in life. One could say I had a long term vision. By 9th grade, I knew I wanted to be a software engineer. During engineering, the only thing on my mind was having a job by the time I graduate. I imagined I would retire happily in Bangalore at the age of 60, head to the park every day with my other retired friends, talk about politics, discuss if it is finally RCB's year, go to CTR for a Masala Dose, and a cup of filter coffee, and then head home. I thought I'd figure out the 35-40 years in between when I get there. Spoiler alert, the only thing I've figured out so far is how miserable I am.

The universe is over 13 billion years old. The earth is 4.5 billion years old. And you get to live for around 80 years if you are lucky(or some might consider that unlucky). Human life is short. Death comes for us all. For some sooner, rather than later. It's something I've come to terms with. Take Puneeth Rajkumar for instance. So young and healthy by all accounts. One of the fittest actors in the industry who did all the right things to stay healthy but tragically passed away at such a young age. What's the point of planning the next 30 years of my life if I don't even know if I'll make it till then? 

It is hard to explain apathy to anyone who hasn't felt it. The absence of feeling, the complete and utter detachment from everything that once mattered. For the longest time, it was a new chapter of One Piece every week which kept me going. It was being eating my favourite breakfast on the weekends which kept me going. It was the excitement of finishing a book and starting another one which kept me going. And for maybe a couple of months around the time my brother got married, it was just about everything which kept going. I was the happiest I'd ever been. Contrary to what I'm feeling today, I enjoyed everything I did. Everything was amplified. The food tasted better, sleep came sooner, I woke up feeling like I'm about to conquer the day. I was unstoppable. I'd have approached the apocalypse with a can do attitude. 

Sadly, that didn't last long. I wake up today thinking 'Oh shit, here we go again'. The things which kept me going, no longer does and I am scared. I am scared that I don't feel anything or that I don't care about anything. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. It's easy to tell when I'm angry or when I'm sad or when I'm happy. I can feel it decrease day by day. Maybe, I am 'maturing' and not reacting the way I used to but I don't feel the things I used to and it's fucking terrifying.

Like I said earlier, death comes for us all. Every day that passes, we're one step closer to it. Life is too short to worry about the if's, but's, and the maybe's. Do whatever you've always wanted to. Live every moment like it is your last. Make the most of today instead of worrying about tomorrow. And when that time comes, have a smile on your face knowing you did everything you ever wanted to and leave no room for regrets.

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